Anime Night Weekend Nightmare, Week of 8/28/16

Anime Night Weekend Nightmare, Week of 8/28/16

Ark

ARK: Survival Evolved Gets Fully Finished Paid Expansion Pack

ARK: Survival Evolved has been a massive hit, selling over two million copies so far—so it might surprise you that it's still in early access. Yep, though tens of millions of dollars has been generated from this game, it's still not finished. And if you were surprised by that, prepare to be surprised a little bit more: an expansion pack has been released, which costs $20, and it's described as "completely finished." Because I'm sure that's what players want—the ability to pay an extra $20 to get new content, rather than getting all the content they've already paid for. At what point does Early Access stop being a method of raising money to finance a game's development and help iron out bugs and start being an excuse developers can use for a game being unfinished and broken?

Mass Effect

Mass Effect Remaster Probably Won't Be Happening

I'm not sure I get this trend of remastering previous generation games. For games released in the PS2 era, remastering them for the PS3 era and beyond makes sense—the graphical leap between the two generations was pretty big. But from the PS3 generation to now, I don't think it matters as much—of course there is a difference, but I'm not sure it's the kind of difference that matters enough to bother remastering it. Perhaps for this reason, or perhaps for one of many other reasons, an EA executive has said that we're not getting a Mass Effect remaster anytime soon. Peter Moore, chief competition officer at EA (it's about competitive gaming), stated that they "want to go forward" with the series and that they "want to focus on the future." This I guess means that BioWare would rather spend their time creating new, unique alien sex experiences rather than making the previous alien sex experiences more sparkly. Sorry.

Nvidia

Nvidia Releases Fallout 4 Mod

It's not uncommon for GPU manufacturers to create demo software to show off the features of their card—but, as far as I know, creating a mod for a game that adds a new playable area solely to show off your new GPU is a new one. This mod adds an area called "Vault 1080," with some sort of story about darkness-worshipping that provides the excuse for Nvidia to show off their light and shadow effects. Nvidia says this is an extra hour of gameplay, and if that's your kind of thing, you can get it here.

Pokemon Go

Pokémon Go Getting Buddy Feature

I'll admit, when I first heard that Pokémon Go was getting a buddy feature, I thought it was going to be some kind of way to friend people in the game and go on adventures with them, which would've been pretty cool. But it turns out it's not that cool—it's about picking your favorite Pokémon to be your buddy Pokémon, like Pikachu in the animated series. You'll get bonuses for it or something. If you've been looking to roleplay as Ash Ketchum, this might be just the kind of feature you've been waiting for.

Virgin Media

Virgin Media Offering "Broadband for Gamers" In The UK

Some fifteen years ago, a group of advertising executives gathered in a smoky pub. Their mission: find a way to hawk their garbage products to anyone who would buy them.

"Gentlemen," said the Tom Ellis lookalike. "I believe I have a way to solve our marketing problems once and for all."

The bald man sneered. "Come on, you know the game is up."

"Dot-com branded products are down across the board." Some sort of Josh-Groban-with-glasses guy spoke up. "At this rate, people will realize our products are absolute schlock, and they'll go back to buying better products for cheaper."

"Wait a minute—even Dilberitos?" asked the man with no identifying characteristics.

"Especially Dilberitos."

"Oh my god," gasped the man with no identifying characteristics. He removed his glasses with a shaky hand (OK, I guess that would be an identifying characteristic). "What will I tell my company? What will I tell my wife?"

"Relax, gentleman." Tom Ellis's lookalike stood up and turned around, like evil people always do. "What would you say if I told you that there was a market filled with people whose identities revolved around consumerism, whose lack of a propensity for introspection is second to none, and who will believe that they are the underdog, despite all evidence to the contrary."

"Wait, you don't mean-"

"Yes." The frankly creepy lookalike of Tom Ellis spun around. "I mean gamers."

That Josh Groban guy brightened up. "It's perfect!"

"Is it?" said the bald man.

"Think about it. We can package shitty wired mice and call them 'Gamer Mice.' We can package fifty cent mousepads and charge $20. We can package shitty energy drinks and call them 'Gamer Fuel!'" enthused the startling reproduction of Josh Groban with glasses.

The man with no identifying characteristics, but who apparently has glasses chimed in. "We can sell regular old nuts and call them 'Gamer Food!'"

"Nuts?" The bald man leaped from his chair. "You want to sell NUTS? Do you really think gamers will buy nuts, just because we put the word 'Gamer' on it?" He began to leave. "I'll have no part of this!"

"No." A voice from the dark stopped him in his tracks. "They'll buy them because I tell them to." A shadow emerged.

"It can't be," stuttered the bald man.

"It is," replied the voice.

The man turned, eyes wide. "Johnathan Wendel," he stammered, before falling to his knees. "The stories are true."

"Johnathan Wendel," stated the Tom Ellis-esque man. "Twelve time world champion."

"World champion of what?" asked almost Josh Groban.

"Does it matter?" he replied. "All that matters is that Johnathan Wendel is one of them. And if he says your product is good—it's good."

Johnathan Wendel looked again at the bald man. "You may rise." The bald man did not move. "Rise! Rise, and join us!"

The bald man stumbled to his feet. "I need... I need your guidance."

"All in due time," stated that evil guy who looks like Tom Ellis—you know the one. "When the time is right, we will help you. You'll create a new internet plan, that's slightly faster than your others, and you'll call it 'Broadband for Gamers.'"

"And what happens when people notice that we don't provide the speeds we promised and our customer service is terrible?" asked the bald man.

"Then it will be too late for them to turn back."

Then they all laughed maniacally.

END SCENE.

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